Friend and support... she wants that, she really does. Yukina's long since decided that she can't live like the rest of her people - isolated, shutting them out. She wants to trust others. She wants to be trusted by others.
...but that's the problem; whether she did it for a good reason or not, she killed. She perpetuated the ritual they're all trapped by, and she has a hard time forgiving herself for that, or even believing that she deserves to be forgiven by any of them.
But Knoll is asking, so... she tries to smile, even if it comes out looking a little sad.]
...I can't promise that I'll succeed, Knoll-san. ...but I can promise that I'll try.
[the coming week's night terrors will make that a hell of a lot more difficult, but she'll try.]
...I will. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you, too.
[However little it is. Accepting his kindness is hard enough in and of itself - to do it without at least offering something in return would be even worse.]
You're... a really kind person. Everyone here is very lucky to have met you.
...I don't think Percival-san... likes me very much. [Or at least, that's the impression she's gotten, after the past two trials. She can't really blame him for this most recent time, as she had killed someone, but...
Knoll is right. Percival is intimidating.]
But he's doing his best to protect everyone here. I can respect that... and try to keep out of his way, so he's not bothered.
[She's easily intimidated, and it's awful.]
...your best is pretty good, too. We're lucky that you're looking out for us.
Despite how rough he can be, I can't imagine Lord Percival disliking you. Do you know what he told me once? After I told him of the horrors I committed? He said:
"People are more than their mistakes, Knoll. I believe in their potential, and I believe in yours as well."
If you asked him...I'm sure he'd say the same to you as well. Though, I would understand why you would not and wish to keep your distance.
[ Knoll knows what it's like to keep his distance from intimidating individuals, after all. He thinks it is a miracle he's managed to not do the same here, but maybe it's because he feels he has nothing to lose. ]
I'm glad that you believe so. However, sometimes I feel as if it were not enough--but it may as well be for now.
...I wish I could believe that. Maybe... I'll try talking to him again.
[Keyword, of course, being try. It's not like she can just walk right up to him and ask "So do you hate me or what?" - they aren't close enough for that.]
Still, if he's been a support for you, I'm glad to hear it. You're trying so hard for everyone... you deserve to have someone behind you, too.
[Another pause, and then she... glances down at her hands.]
...Knoll-san? What would you do if... [She hesitates.] ...if there was a way to save everyone, but it was... unpleasant? [He's mentioned the "horrors he's committed" - Yukina can't help but wonder what those horrors actually are. If it's anything like what they've faced here...] ...if to do that, you had to do something you really hated?
Whatever he was going to say regarding the topic before she breached the new one was thrown out the window. His expression is grave and the lightness evaporated into thin air. ]
First, I would wonder if there was a way to save everyone without it being so unpleasant. Of course, I firmly believe that if one solution can be found, that there must be a second solution as well. However, if I were forced to take that choice, because others had decided that they would be taking that as their answer, I would at least try to inform everyone so that they knew what was coming.
Yet, I know that it may not wind up good, whether they are informed or not.
All I know is that even if the act saved everyone, but it involved shattering their trust and their mind, they may as well have be lost no matter how successful the effort.
... In the end, it is a gamble either way. Everyone may end up saved, feeling grateful despite not knowing why the unpleasant act had to be done to rescue them in the first place. They could also be grateful fully knowing why the unpleasantries must happen.
On the other hand, they could later find out the full story, and it could break them. Telling them the truth even before the unpleasantness were enacted could break them and when they've returned home, they could feel as if their struggles were a farce if not every problem had been resolved.
It could drive them entirely mad.
[ And then after those riveting, inspiring piece of words. ]
My answer is that I would try my hardest to search for another solution, but my [cynicalism] intuition tells me that I would have no real choice in the matter and the only thing I could do is allow the events to unfold. I wouldn't be very pleased, and it would likely be something I'd need help recovering from.
Edited (Realized I didn't have him fully answer the questions; shh I'm still groggy) Date: 2017-06-22 06:30 pm (UTC)
...what if the unpleasant solution was the second solution? If the first solution turned out to be even worse... what then? Would you keep looking for a third?
[Her voice is small.]
Because I've looked and looked and looked, and I can't find any other way to ensure that everyone makes it out alive, in the end. And I was - I was told not to tell anyone, but I...
[ Knoll never thought he'd be saying that, but now, here he was. He doesn't have a good feeling about it, but ... it's not like he wasn't used to hearing the worst. ]
Please tell me...what both of what these solutions are.
[Yukina hesitates. She's been told, time and time again, that spreading this information to others could backfire. And she doesn't want to do this without first giving the others a warning, but...
She can trust Knoll. She wants to trust Knoll.]
Finding the people like Mira-san... and killing them. That was... it was supposed to stop all of this. It would let us get more than three people out of here alive. That's why I... [Why she kept hoping for it. Why she kept saying, there has to be a way.] ...we thought it would let us save the dead, too, but it... it wouldn't. They'd be left here. And not even... just dead, they'd be...
[She shudders, and shakes her head. It's too horrifying to imagine, let alone speak about.]
...but there's a way to save... everyone. Everyone except for... one person.
That should've been enough. Why wouldn't it be? Why would the dead be left here? And please tell me, what would have happened to them in that scenario?
[ It's probably no surprise that he's asking questions. Even if it's horrifying to utter...even if it's forbidden--it was just like was doing research for Prince Lyon to try to prevent his father's death.
I know... it should have been. We wanted it to be.
...for now... they're okay. Because they're still a part of this "game" until it ends. But, if the ritual is forced to a stop and the survivors escape from here... they'll belong to the creatures responsible for all of this, and they'll be beyond our reach. From what I heard...
[She glances uneasily at the mirror in her room, almost... like she's afraid someone might be listening in.]
...they seem to be in a... stomach, of some kind. If we stopped the ritual early, the creatures that are holding them... they've be very, very angry. From what we've seen here, I'm sure you can imagine what they might do...? I was told it would be... much worse than anything we could imagine.
[A fate worse than death, basically. It's not something she's willing to risk.]
But the way to save everyone... it has to do with the rule about three people being left alive at the end. The people facilitating this... they'll offer a deal to the three survivors. If one of them is willing to accept an eternity of servitude, the other two survivors and the people who have died will be returned home, safe and sound.
...you can see the obvious problem with that. The people most likely to survive are the people most likely to kill.
[...hence why she talked about having to do something she "hates".]
[ Knoll pretends not to notice her glancing at the mirror. His fingers are lightly drumming on the sheets as she speaks, and as usual when he listens, he is calm as well as attentive. For his credit, there is no change in his expression, or at least obviously so through most of it. However, as she nears the end, a shadow passes over his purple eyes.
Then... when she finishes, his fingers stop in their idle movement. His right hand moves to take off one of the golden rings he wears, and he rises to his feet. He'll then place the ring on top of the television, and he'll begin to laugh. It's a weak one, but no one would be able to deny what it was.
They can't fight fate--they can't fight against this ritual. ]
All this time...our struggles had been ultimately futile. We must serve out the ritual and sacrifice one of our own for all of eternity. We do not know if they will even honor their word, until the end of it, but before then there will be much bloodshed. In the end, even if they honor their word, we return home and the ritual continues forevermore. Perhaps next our loved ones who had remained safe in our worlds shall be next to play their games...we will never know, until they evaporate into thin air as if they never existed in the first place.
[ He'll shake his head, and then his expression turns into something resembling the one he had worn when he first arrived:
Tired, worn, and resigned. ]
Thank you for telling me this, Yukina. I imagine this burden could not have been too easy to bear.
...if there's another way, I want to find it. But I don't think there is, and... it feels like we're running out of time.
[In the last trial alone, there had been five deaths. One of them was her own, but - it's escalating. Every week, more people die. The more time passes, the more it seems to be a situation of kill, or be killed.
And Yukina can't let herself be killed. Not yet.]
If there's no other way... I've already made up my mind. I... I want to stay. Everyone here has people to return to, who are waiting for them. And if I stay, if I'm... made to oversee another group, I can offer them the chance to end it early as well, as Craftly-san did. I can try to... to take care of them.
...from the start, I've said that I want to protect everyone here. To get them all home. That... hasn't changed.
[She looks at him, and her expression is more than a little lost.]
I'm sorry to have burdened you with this. If I could have spared you from it, I would have, but...
[ Knoll is glad she can't see his face right now, since he's turned it away, but he knew what she meant when she said that she would stay.
He doesn't want her to stay here. How would they change her? What if something happens to her in the future that places her into those creatures' clutches forever?
He doesn't want--
As the aborted thought comes across his head, so does a memory from a much earlier week. The second trial had already finished and they were both tired, talking. He had the book of Fairy Tales from her clutched in his hands ever so tightly, and he had said...
'...I hope that no one would be willing to sacrifice an ally so easily--'
He can't do anything, can he? He couldn't change anything, after all. ]
Yukina, it's not your fault. If you hadn't told me, I would've found out later and it would've hurt more. At least for me it would've.
I...I'll confess. There are people back in my homeland I care for, but I have nothing and no one waiting for me, because of what I plan to do when I return.
[ Knoll's voice is shaky and he wants to break something (like that mirror), but the urge to do so fades away as soon as it appears. He's not violent by nature. He's too gentle...he's too weak. He can't even save one of the few and one of the closest friends he's ever made in his entire miserable life. ]
I understand why you made this choice and I can't do anything about it but... I don't want you to stay.
[ He knows it's useless. He says it anyway, as his voice sounds like it'll break. Like he'll cry. Maybe it sounds selfish too, but he's tired of everyone just sacrificing so they can all achieve happiness. He's just... so tired. ]
[She can't help but be curious - but he's turned away, and she can't see his face clearly, so it's not like his expressions will provide her with any clues. Still, there's something in his voice that makes it sound... serious.
Well, maybe it's just everything. This is all pretty heavy.
Her expression flickers and she looks down at her hands once more when he continues.]
...I'll be honest... I don't really want to, either. But I could never, ever live with myself if I condemned someone else to that fate just because I was afraid to face it myself. I'm tired of other people suffering while I escape. [Very, very tired.] ...maybe it's selfish. But I just want to help everyone for once.
I wasn't... of any use protecting anyone here. This is all I can do.
I had distanced myself from the few people I knew, and I was about to disappear from my country.
[ In all honesty, they hadn't known him too well that they would miss him as he went to live in complete isolation for what he's done.
His hands clench into fists, and he looks back at her. ]
Perhaps what I say is selfish, but why is it that ultimate sacrifice winds up being the only route to success? Is that what it means to live--that you must give sacrifice in order to obtain true happiness? Why must good people be forced to live their lives in eternal suffering so that others can be free?
But of course we have no other option but to be used by those who help facilitate this game in the first place. And when we now know we can't truly fight against the course they had predetermined for us.
In the end, you are my friend, and it pains me that you will suffer so--and the fact you do not wish to do this yourself only makes me wish even more that it wasn't required of anyone in the first place. Useless sentiments now, I suppose, but it is what it is.
[That sounds... so lonely. He's been so kind here that she can't imagine that the people he's distanced himself from in his homeland wouldn't go look for him, but then... she doesn't really know what his life was like before she arrived.
...she can only hope that it will turn out for the best, somehow. That someone will... stop him, or go with him.]
...I don't know why it has to be this way. All I know is that... it's the only way I've been able to find that can free the largest number of people from this place. If there was another way, I'd love to know it, but... [She doesn't think there is. Or rather - if there is, she can't even begin to imagine what that might be. Maybe if they all had access to their powers, but... they've been rendered powerless.] ...you're my friend, too. And I definitely don't want to see you trapped here, either.
...but I'm not human to start with. So... m-maybe it won't be as bad for me as we're imagining.
[ Knoll will not have anyone to stop him if they are from home. He had literally nothing before he arrived and he was even quite empty--he didn't even know if he should care about his situation. However, Percival, Yukina, and L'arachel changed that.
So, maybe if it were someone here... ]
If only there was another way indeed.
And...Yukina, I wish I could hope that it would be any less horrifying for someone who is not even human, but something tells me...that may be little chance. However, if you ask, maybe you can avoid being subjected to the corrupting changes. Or perhaps it could truly be as you say and I am simply being cynical.
[ He takes a breath. ]
....There is one more thing I wish to speak about. A word of caution, if you will.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
momijizukamori
no subject
Friend and support... she wants that, she really does. Yukina's long since decided that she can't live like the rest of her people - isolated, shutting them out. She wants to trust others. She wants to be trusted by others.
...but that's the problem; whether she did it for a good reason or not, she killed. She perpetuated the ritual they're all trapped by, and she has a hard time forgiving herself for that, or even believing that she deserves to be forgiven by any of them.
But Knoll is asking, so... she tries to smile, even if it comes out looking a little sad.]
...I can't promise that I'll succeed, Knoll-san. ...but I can promise that I'll try.
[the coming week's night terrors will make that a hell of a lot more difficult, but she'll try.]
no subject
Thank you. Please... let me know if there's anything else I can do for you in the meanwhile. I will try my best to ensure that it happens.
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[However little it is. Accepting his kindness is hard enough in and of itself - to do it without at least offering something in return would be even worse.]
You're... a really kind person. Everyone here is very lucky to have met you.
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Even if Lord Percival can be a bit intimidating, being around him should serve you well.
[ He takes a brief moment, before he looks a bit happy at what she says. ]
I try only my best. It seems to be about one of the few things I have going for me.
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Knoll is right. Percival is intimidating.]
But he's doing his best to protect everyone here. I can respect that... and try to keep out of his way, so he's not bothered.
[She's easily intimidated, and it's awful.]
...your best is pretty good, too. We're lucky that you're looking out for us.
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"People are more than their mistakes, Knoll. I believe in their potential, and I believe in yours as well."
If you asked him...I'm sure he'd say the same to you as well. Though, I would understand why you would not and wish to keep your distance.
[ Knoll knows what it's like to keep his distance from intimidating individuals, after all. He thinks it is a miracle he's managed to not do the same here, but maybe it's because he feels he has nothing to lose. ]
I'm glad that you believe so. However, sometimes I feel as if it were not enough--but it may as well be for now.
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[Keyword, of course, being try. It's not like she can just walk right up to him and ask "So do you hate me or what?" - they aren't close enough for that.]
Still, if he's been a support for you, I'm glad to hear it. You're trying so hard for everyone... you deserve to have someone behind you, too.
[Another pause, and then she... glances down at her hands.]
...Knoll-san? What would you do if... [She hesitates.] ...if there was a way to save everyone, but it was... unpleasant? [He's mentioned the "horrors he's committed" - Yukina can't help but wonder what those horrors actually are. If it's anything like what they've faced here...] ...if to do that, you had to do something you really hated?
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Whatever he was going to say regarding the topic before she breached the new one was thrown out the window. His expression is grave and the lightness evaporated into thin air. ]
First, I would wonder if there was a way to save everyone without it being so unpleasant. Of course, I firmly believe that if one solution can be found, that there must be a second solution as well. However, if I were forced to take that choice, because others had decided that they would be taking that as their answer, I would at least try to inform everyone so that they knew what was coming.
Yet, I know that it may not wind up good, whether they are informed or not.
All I know is that even if the act saved everyone, but it involved shattering their trust and their mind, they may as well have be lost no matter how successful the effort.
... In the end, it is a gamble either way. Everyone may end up saved, feeling grateful despite not knowing why the unpleasant act had to be done to rescue them in the first place. They could also be grateful fully knowing why the unpleasantries must happen.
On the other hand, they could later find out the full story, and it could break them. Telling them the truth even before the unpleasantness were enacted could break them and when they've returned home, they could feel as if their struggles were a farce if not every problem had been resolved.
It could drive them entirely mad.
[ And then after those riveting, inspiring piece of words. ]
My answer is that I would try my hardest to search for another solution, but my [cynicalism] intuition tells me that I would have no real choice in the matter and the only thing I could do is allow the events to unfold. I wouldn't be very pleased, and it would likely be something I'd need help recovering from.
no subject
[Her voice is small.]
Because I've looked and looked and looked, and I can't find any other way to ensure that everyone makes it out alive, in the end. And I was - I was told not to tell anyone, but I...
[She glances at him, then down at her feet.]
...I can trust you, can't I...?
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[ Knoll never thought he'd be saying that, but now, here he was. He doesn't have a good feeling about it, but ... it's not like he wasn't used to hearing the worst. ]
Please tell me...what both of what these solutions are.
no subject
[Yukina hesitates. She's been told, time and time again, that spreading this information to others could backfire. And she doesn't want to do this without first giving the others a warning, but...
She can trust Knoll. She wants to trust Knoll.]
Finding the people like Mira-san... and killing them. That was... it was supposed to stop all of this. It would let us get more than three people out of here alive. That's why I... [Why she kept hoping for it. Why she kept saying, there has to be a way.] ...we thought it would let us save the dead, too, but it... it wouldn't. They'd be left here. And not even... just dead, they'd be...
[She shudders, and shakes her head. It's too horrifying to imagine, let alone speak about.]
...but there's a way to save... everyone. Everyone except for... one person.
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[ It's probably no surprise that he's asking questions. Even if it's horrifying to utter...even if it's forbidden--it was just like was doing research for Prince Lyon to try to prevent his father's death.
He has to know. ]
And tell me...what is this way to save everyone?
no subject
...for now... they're okay. Because they're still a part of this "game" until it ends. But, if the ritual is forced to a stop and the survivors escape from here... they'll belong to the creatures responsible for all of this, and they'll be beyond our reach. From what I heard...
[She glances uneasily at the mirror in her room, almost... like she's afraid someone might be listening in.]
...they seem to be in a... stomach, of some kind. If we stopped the ritual early, the creatures that are holding them... they've be very, very angry. From what we've seen here, I'm sure you can imagine what they might do...? I was told it would be... much worse than anything we could imagine.
[A fate worse than death, basically. It's not something she's willing to risk.]
But the way to save everyone... it has to do with the rule about three people being left alive at the end. The people facilitating this... they'll offer a deal to the three survivors. If one of them is willing to accept an eternity of servitude, the other two survivors and the people who have died will be returned home, safe and sound.
...you can see the obvious problem with that. The people most likely to survive are the people most likely to kill.
[...hence why she talked about having to do something she "hates".]
no subject
Then... when she finishes, his fingers stop in their idle movement. His right hand moves to take off one of the golden rings he wears, and he rises to his feet. He'll then place the ring on top of the television, and he'll begin to laugh. It's a weak one, but no one would be able to deny what it was.
They can't fight fate--they can't fight against this ritual. ]
All this time...our struggles had been ultimately futile. We must serve out the ritual and sacrifice one of our own for all of eternity. We do not know if they will even honor their word, until the end of it, but before then there will be much bloodshed. In the end, even if they honor their word, we return home and the ritual continues forevermore. Perhaps next our loved ones who had remained safe in our worlds shall be next to play their games...we will never know, until they evaporate into thin air as if they never existed in the first place.
[ He'll shake his head, and then his expression turns into something resembling the one he had worn when he first arrived:
Tired, worn, and resigned. ]
Thank you for telling me this, Yukina. I imagine this burden could not have been too easy to bear.
no subject
[In the last trial alone, there had been five deaths. One of them was her own, but - it's escalating. Every week, more people die. The more time passes, the more it seems to be a situation of kill, or be killed.
And Yukina can't let herself be killed. Not yet.]
If there's no other way... I've already made up my mind. I... I want to stay. Everyone here has people to return to, who are waiting for them. And if I stay, if I'm... made to oversee another group, I can offer them the chance to end it early as well, as Craftly-san did. I can try to... to take care of them.
...from the start, I've said that I want to protect everyone here. To get them all home. That... hasn't changed.
[She looks at him, and her expression is more than a little lost.]
I'm sorry to have burdened you with this. If I could have spared you from it, I would have, but...
no subject
He doesn't want her to stay here. How would they change her? What if something happens to her in the future that places her into those creatures' clutches forever?
He doesn't want--
As the aborted thought comes across his head, so does a memory from a much earlier week. The second trial had already finished and they were both tired, talking. He had the book of Fairy Tales from her clutched in his hands ever so tightly, and he had said...
'...I hope that no one would be willing to sacrifice an ally so easily--'
He can't do anything, can he? He couldn't change anything, after all. ]
Yukina, it's not your fault. If you hadn't told me, I would've found out later and it would've hurt more. At least for me it would've.
I...I'll confess. There are people back in my homeland I care for, but I have nothing and no one waiting for me, because of what I plan to do when I return.
[ Knoll's voice is shaky and he wants to break something (like that mirror), but the urge to do so fades away as soon as it appears. He's not violent by nature. He's too gentle...he's too weak. He can't even save one of the few and one of the closest friends he's ever made in his entire miserable life. ]
I understand why you made this choice and I can't do anything about it but... I don't want you to stay.
[ He knows it's useless. He says it anyway, as his voice sounds like it'll break. Like he'll cry. Maybe it sounds selfish too, but he's tired of everyone just sacrificing so they can all achieve happiness. He's just... so tired. ]
no subject
[She can't help but be curious - but he's turned away, and she can't see his face clearly, so it's not like his expressions will provide her with any clues. Still, there's something in his voice that makes it sound... serious.
Well, maybe it's just everything. This is all pretty heavy.
Her expression flickers and she looks down at her hands once more when he continues.]
...I'll be honest... I don't really want to, either. But I could never, ever live with myself if I condemned someone else to that fate just because I was afraid to face it myself. I'm tired of other people suffering while I escape. [Very, very tired.] ...maybe it's selfish. But I just want to help everyone for once.
I wasn't... of any use protecting anyone here. This is all I can do.
no subject
I had distanced myself from the few people I knew, and I was about to disappear from my country.
[ In all honesty, they hadn't known him too well that they would miss him as he went to live in complete isolation for what he's done.
His hands clench into fists, and he looks back at her. ]
Perhaps what I say is selfish, but why is it that ultimate sacrifice winds up being the only route to success? Is that what it means to live--that you must give sacrifice in order to obtain true happiness? Why must good people be forced to live their lives in eternal suffering so that others can be free?
But of course we have no other option but to be used by those who help facilitate this game in the first place. And when we now know we can't truly fight against the course they had predetermined for us.
In the end, you are my friend, and it pains me that you will suffer so--and the fact you do not wish to do this yourself only makes me wish even more that it wasn't required of anyone in the first place. Useless sentiments now, I suppose, but it is what it is.
no subject
[That sounds... so lonely. He's been so kind here that she can't imagine that the people he's distanced himself from in his homeland wouldn't go look for him, but then... she doesn't really know what his life was like before she arrived.
...she can only hope that it will turn out for the best, somehow. That someone will... stop him, or go with him.]
...I don't know why it has to be this way. All I know is that... it's the only way I've been able to find that can free the largest number of people from this place. If there was another way, I'd love to know it, but... [She doesn't think there is. Or rather - if there is, she can't even begin to imagine what that might be. Maybe if they all had access to their powers, but... they've been rendered powerless.] ...you're my friend, too. And I definitely don't want to see you trapped here, either.
...but I'm not human to start with. So... m-maybe it won't be as bad for me as we're imagining.
no subject
So, maybe if it were someone here... ]
If only there was another way indeed.
And...Yukina, I wish I could hope that it would be any less horrifying for someone who is not even human, but something tells me...that may be little chance. However, if you ask, maybe you can avoid being subjected to the corrupting changes. Or perhaps it could truly be as you say and I am simply being cynical.
[ He takes a breath. ]
....There is one more thing I wish to speak about. A word of caution, if you will.